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Explanations For Aliens

A Field Guide for the Space Alien on a Budget

Society and People

Field Report: Golf

May 12, 2018 By Jeff Leave a Comment

Golf is a game many male humans start playing because they believe it will lead to a better job.

Most don’t actually enjoy the sport in the early stages (as evidenced by the cursing, throwing of clubs, uncontrollable sobbing, and drinking of alcohol in quantities usually reserved for members of various world navies and Senate subcommittees), but feel it’s a good way to get in good with the boss.

See also: butt-sucking, ass-snorkeling, crack-snacking, sphincter-spelunking.

Over time, however, the game seems to have curious addictive properties, which can infect and consume a man. Much like your tribbles. An otherwise healthy human male can be transformed into a crushing bore within a matter of months via the golf virus, rendering him all but intolerable to everyone except other golfers.

Common signs of infection include, but aren’t limited to, the seemingly non-stop talk of course conditions, clubs with loft, and the “short game.” My research has revealed that whenever a human subject is heard uttering the phrase, “How ya hitting ‘em these days?” it is prudent to get the hell out of there. Because what follows is almost guaranteed to be excruciating.

Often, victims’ wardrobes begin to change as well, as the sickness progresses. In advanced stages golfers will sometimes revert to wearing knit shirts in outlandish colors and patterns, with two or three unnecessary buttons at the neck, to all events, informal or otherwise. No other style of shirt is ever seen again.

In more tragic cases, citrus-colored slacks may appear.

Female golfers are not exactly rare, but exist in far fewer numbers. Much like their male counterparts, however, most women golfers exhibit a preference for the female vagina sex organ.

I hope this report has proven to be helpful. As always, I will be standing in the open field behind Dollar General Store, every Thursday between midnight and 2 a.m., if you should have follow-up questions.

This concludes today’s broadcast.

Filed Under: Society and People, Sports

Field Report: The Gym

May 11, 2018 By Jeff Leave a Comment

By the late 20th Century many human Earthlings found themselves living in an almost fully-automated world. No longer were they required to engage in physical labor, and, thanks to advanced production techniques, food was inexpensive and plentiful. There was also a plethora of entertainment options, available ‘round the clock, via the simple push of a button.

Consequently, members of the human herd grew apathetic and sluggish, and sat around watching television broadcasts while shoving unhealthy snack cakes into their mouths with the heels of their hands. This led to a population of people carrying around more weight than a skeleton is designed to support. It also triggered an outbreak of health problems, such as diabetes (known as “sugar” in the southeastern United States), high blood pressure, “mannery glands,” “sway arms,” and the common “riffle ass.”

It is estimated that a full 20% of people currently living inside industrialized nations are unable to see their own genitalia, without the use of a complicated network of mirrors. And most are so complacent they can’t be bothered with a single mirror, let alone a network. This inclination has led to hygiene issues, the introduction of long-handled “wiping wands,” and people showing up for work smelling like corndogs and semen.

Often the “abundance” begins to rear its head during childhood – due to video games, Nickelodeon, and Vanilla Coke – but sometimes genetics can hold it down until humans reach their mid-30s. And these are the people who have known a life unencumbered by the “flesh parka,” and seek to maintain it for as long as possible.

Gyms, short for gymnasiums, are large, often elaborate facilities filled with machinery designed to simulate real work. Instead of actual toil, modern-day humans pay a monthly fee to engage in fake work – inside an air-conditioned building, tricked-out with dozens of televisions, and featuring a smoothie bar. They row boats that go nowhere, ride bicycles with the wheels elevated off the floor, and take long walks on motorized machines designed to impede all forward progress.

Some are successful at staving off the abundance (or escaping it) through the use of a gym. Most humans, however, approach it with early enthusiasm, but quickly realize that even fake work inside a fancy building is not for them. So, they stick to their schedule for a month or six weeks, and suddenly become “too busy” to maintain the regimen.

However, there is still a social benefit of owning a membership to one of these halls of artificial drudgery, even if it’s no longer being used. There is a certain sophistication associated with the mere mention of “the gym.” It also absolves humans of current bad behavior, because it makes it clear that the person is, at least, trying.

Say, for instance, a man donning the parka is out for a few beers at an Applebee’s one evening, with co-workers. And every time he laughs at a joke about the woman in accounting with one wonky eye, or whatever, his mannery glands LEAP into motion underneath his enormous shirt, the size of a grill cover. He feels self-conscious about this, so he says, “Man, I really need to get back to the gym soon. This is ridiculous.” Then he folds yet another fully-loaded potato skin into his mouth, with impunity. Monthly fee: worth it!

This reporter has limited experience with the gym. He maintained the regimen for several months, which is better than average. But he saw a mustachioed man in the locker room one evening, dressed in nothing but a jockstrap, clipping his toenails. His enthusiasm plummeted, and for two weeks woke up in the middle of the night screaming in terror.

I hope this report has proven to be helpful. As always, I will be standing in the open field behind Dollar General Store, every Thursday between midnight and 2 a.m., if you should have follow-up questions.

This concludes today’s broadcast.

Filed Under: Society and People, Sports

Field Report: Underwear

May 8, 2018 By Jeff 1 Comment

Nearly all civilized human creatures cover their naked bodies in customized sheets of material, called “clothing.” This practice is likely rooted in a desire for modesty, comfort, and (finally) vanity.

The items are generally quite large, and each can cloak half of an entire human, or more. Common variations are known as “shirts,” “skirts,” “pants,” and in the southeastern region of North America, “bib overalls.”

In addition to these conspicuous articles, most subjects also favor smaller, more intimate items, known as “underwear.” This is an umbrella term, and can refer to almost anything worn underneath the visible, outer coverings.

The central part of a human body is quite convoluted; it’s a virtual riot of confusion down there. It is also a very sensitive area, which induces the specimens to throw up an extra wall of cotton between it and their “pants.”

These additional layers come in many styles, but all serve the same basic purpose: to keep the genitals off to themselves, like VIPs at a nightclub.

Slang terms for this particular underwear include, but are not limited to, panties, briefs, boxers, tighty-whities, ball socks, scrote curtains, wiener wrappers, cooter gaskets, and testicle cozies.

Men also benefit from the filtering properties of these garments. All humans are equipped with an orifice not unlike the whale’s blowhole. Occasionally a blast of air is emitted, and a fine fecal mist is sent rocketing into the ether. Without the underwear, most men would walk around with mist residue clinging to the seat of their pants.

It’s unknown if female humans are given to such frequent outbursts, and require additional filtering. This reporter has limited experience in this area. Only once, while traveling with a former girlfriend on an interstate highway outside Charleston, West Virginia, has a female fully engaged her blowhole in his presence. The resulting odor was so pronounced, and sodden with cauliflower, he considered breaking off their engagement for marriage, and making her walk home.

Most adult female humans also utilize a second underwear, known as the “brassiere.” This is a complicated affair, worn near the top of the torso and designed to (among other things) keep the breasts from getting out of hand.

Left unchecked during times of exertion, a set of female breasts have been known to bang together, rotate clockwise then counterclockwise, or scissor up and down like some sort of highly-erotic industrial machine.

The brassiere employs an elaborate network of lines, and possibly pulleys. At the front of the garment are two hoisting platforms, commonly referred to as “cups.” These cups vary in circumference and depth, depending on the size of the job they’re being asked to perform.

In most cases the brassiere, or simply “bra,” also features a pair of stabilizing belts to be worn across the shoulders. These are designed to help distribute the pressure more evenly, and avoid catastrophic blow-outs and possible injury, loss of sight, or even death to innocent bystanders.

I hope this report has proven to be helpful. As always, I will be standing in the open field behind Dollar General Store, every Thursday between midnight and 2 a.m., if you should have follow-up questions.

This concludes today’s broadcast.

Filed Under: Fashion, Society and People

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