Facebook is an online destination that offers users the opportunity to engage in a specific type of performance art that emerged as the platform gained popularity. There, humans are allowed the chance to present exaggerated versions of themselves, to hopefully impress their friends and fool people into believing they’re wonderful.
See also: bullshit, phony-baloney, “Oh, for the love of the living Christ!”
In the virtual Facebook world, people are exceedingly empathetic and caring, have endless fun, raise perfect children, and lounge around with tall beverages and wide smiles in their lovely homes. Ugly becomes “beautiful,” avalanching riffle-asses “perfection.” It’s enough to make this reporter want to vomit straight into a bucket.
As part of the ongoing performance users often resort to wishing loved-ones a happy birthday or anniversary via the service, even though they live in the same house as the other person. So, instead of just twisting their torso a quarter-turn, and mumbling, “Hey, uh, happy birthday, or whatever” they log onto Facebook and broadcast it to the world. This is a chance for the wisher to shine, of course, and he or she will almost always use an abundance of sappy words and phrases. Things like “sweetie,” “honey bunny,” and “sugar flaps.”
In addition to Facebook being a place for humans to pass off their fraudulent lives to old classmates and former co-workers, it’s also a haven for people who harbor strong and wildly distorted opinions about political matters. They spend a good percentage of their days reading blogs and “news” sites run by people who should be locked away in mental institutions. Then, once they’re thoroughly whipped into a frenzy of righteous indignation, they take to the stage and set the rest of us straight with a litany of clichés and crackpot conspiracy theories. These types of humans are closely related to religious zealots, neo-vegans, and fans of Arcade Fire.
The popularity of Facebook has also helped fuel the emergence of many other types of attention enthusiasts. Including, but not limited to, perpetual sad sacks, medical procedure hobbyists, self-portrait publishers, feet photographers, outrage devotees, guilt peddlers, anger merchants, click-bait traffickers, aging hipsters, sandwich chroniclers, and grown men who not only don’t care if you know — but in fact WANT you to know — that they cry often.
Yes, Facebook is an annoying and horrible place. Each time this reporter visits he finds himself rolling his eyes with such fervor his contact lenses sometimes pop out. The discouraging part? It’s merely a tool, like the telephone. So, the platform itself is not the problem. It’s the users who ruin it. Generally speaking, if a large group of humans is brought together, everything will eventually go swirling down the ol’ piss catcher.
However, Facebook has curious addictive properties that I have experienced personally. Despite the fact that it frustrates and makes me want to throw a hammer through the wall, like a Combos-eating Zeus, I find myself checking it multiple times per day. I scroll through, scowl with gusto, vow to never return, and repeat an hour later. Also, on the rare occasion that I meet someone who has taken the completely reasonable and recommended path forward, and chosen not to participate in Facebook at all, I always think, “Alright… we’ve got ourselves a weirdo here.” Admittedly, it’s not an easy thing to reconcile.
I hope this report has proven to be helpful. As always, I will be standing in the open field behind Dollar General Store every Thursday between midnight and 2 a.m., if you should have any follow-up questions.
This concludes today’s broadcast.
