Hello, deep space aliens!
I‘m sorry to begin on a negative note. But, to be perfectly honest, I’ve been feeling left out. For years I’ve listened to Art Bell and George Noory on the radio, watched countless TV shows on SyFy and A&E, logged hundreds (thousands?) of hours prowling Internet forums, and it seems the whole world is talking about their experiences with alien abduction.
I’ve stood by and exhibited great patience. But, despite my obvious interest and dedication, I’ve never been chosen as the subject of a single mothership call-up, a probing, or even (as far as I know) so much as a lousy observation.
I’m not proud of this fact, but it’s true: for a long time I sulked. I just couldn’t understand why I was being shunned in such a blatant and hurtful manner.
Why them and not me?
Hell, I was as good as any Marybeth Longbottom of Busted Muscle, Arkansas, who was supposedly (note my skepticism) sucked from a 24 hour launderette near her home, and ended-up disoriented and confused on the roof of a drugstore several hours later, with her enormous and dingy Camel cigarette t-shirts folded neatly beside her.
In fact, after purchasing a $97 DVD interview with Ms. Longbottom, I’m confident in suggesting that I would’ve been a far superior specimen. Unless, of course, you were running some sort of targeted inquiry into illiterate, snaggle-toothed hag-humans.
Admittedly, I don’t have all the facts.
But every time I’d come across another person who told a believable story or received attention from the UFO community, I raged. What was wrong with me? Why were the creatures from other galaxies passing me by? Over time it metamorphosed into a full-blown fixation.
Then one day I experienced an epiphany. I was walking to the vending machine at work, craving an early-afternoon Poppycock pick-me-up, and mumbling obscenities under my breath because of yet another abduction story I’d just read on company time.
It was by an adult paperboy (ha!) out delivering the Sunday Woodhick Gazette, or whatever. He claimed a mile-wide concrete “flying office building” arose from behind the trees, and hovered silently above him for a short time. And that’s the last thing he (reportedly) remembered, before waking up in the middle of a cow pasture with his underwear in his front pocket.
Man, that one really ticked me off. An adult paperboy?! Wow.
Finally! A breakthrough
And it suddenly hit me: instead of shuffling around with a white-hot bitterness festering inside my gut, why not do something about it? Why not make myself more attractive to the grays, and offer them something of true value?
But what? Where to start? Sure, almost everyone has an anus that can be probed. Unfortunately, mine seems to be nothing special. Using an elaborate network of mirrors, I’ve photographed it from a variety of angles. Alas, it appears to be an anus of only average quality. If not, in fact, slightly sub-par.
For several days I was stumped. I still believed in the idea of becoming proactive but was drawing a blank on the execution part of it. I was almost ready to give up.
Then I got the idea for this website.
I started thinking about how I might be able to serve as a problem-solver for our extraterrestrial friends and excitedly began amassing a list of what I imagined to be the main obstacles to intergalactic travel.
Number one on my list was expenses. How much does it cost to send a team of aliens (probably called astronauts where you are) to another solar system? How many gallons of gasoline must it take to fuel a flying saucer? Heck, even if it’s configured for diesel, it can’t be cheap. Right?
I knew I was on to something!
Then I jotted down all the known reasons your astronauts might travel to Earth, and a few I eliminated right away. Like all that butt business. And in short order, I was focused on “the observation of human activity.”
I want to be your agent!
That’s where I, and this website, enter the picture. Simply put, I want to be your agent. I want to operate here on Earth as your eyes and ears. Because I’m an “average” human, I won’t have any trouble blending in. I’m equally at home in a corporate conference room, or a snake-handling church. I have encountered all manner of everyday people, as well as a largish lineup of human exotics. Without truly realizing it, I’ve been amassing data all my life!
And so, my monthly reports will protect you against the ever-increasing cost of intergalactic surveillance, and add value to your bottom-line. I think you’ll agree that this website is a powerful, indispensable tool for the space alien on a limited budget.
I want to be your fully-integrated planet Earth solution!
Still need more?
Wow. You guys are high-maintenance. But, you know… in a good way. Please click here for additional background information, social media stuff, and ways to contact me by email, etc. Yes, I have another website, but don’t worry. My emphasis is squarely on you and your long-fingered pals. Also, as I state at the end of all my reports, I will be standing in the open field behind Dollar General Store every Thursday between midnight and 2 a.m., so we can someday meet in person. Which, needless to say, will be super-awesome!